Disclaimer: There is currently no plan in the works to bring Thalia’s Musings to film or television. None of these actors have been contacted about such a project. This is pure fantastical speculation on the part of an indie author with delusions of grandeur. Please don’t sue me.

Welcome to the first of my Casting Thalia’s Musings posts! Join me as I compile my dream cast for a Thalia’s Musings film project that will certainly not exist in reality any time in the near future. If you want to see who I’d cast as Thalia, Apollo, and Calliope, click here. If you want to see who I’d cast as the Twelve Olympians, scroll down.

ZEUS: Nathan Fillion, currently on Castle, also known for Firefly, Dr. Horrible’s Sing Along Blog, and being awesome.

Fillion usually plays a roguish good guy, but as Captain Hammer in Dr. Horrible, he showed that he could play a complete tool. I think with the right director, he could turn comic douchebag up to magnificent bastard. Come on, don’t we all want to see a White-Haired Pretty Boy Nathan Fillion hold up his fists and say “These are not the lighting bolt”?

HERA: Charlize Theron, most recently seen on Snow White and the Hunstman and Prometheus.

She’d need dark hair for the part, which we know she can pull off thanks to Aeon Flux.

DEMETER: Evangeline Lilly, best-known as Kate on LOST and recently cast in The Hobbit.

Watch future posts to see who I cast as her daughter Persephone.

HESTIA: Katherine Heigl, rom com staple and Grey’s Anatomy star, most recently seen in One For the Money.

Heigl has built a career on convincing audiences that she’s average and accessible while being drop dead gorgeous. This makes her perfect for the role of Hestia, the often-overlooked hearth goddess.

ARES: Josh Holloway, best-known as Sawyer from LOST, Freckles.

He does kind of look like he could be Nathan Fillion and Charlize Theron’s kid, doesn’t he? As Ares, his hair would go darker, but he’d definitely keep the beard.

APHRODITE: Christina Hendricks, because she is actually literally for real the goddess Aphrodite. Why is Aphrodite playing Christina Hendricks on Mad Men? Darned if I know.

To play herself, Aphrodite will have to get her hair back to its natural gold, and lose the contacts so her eyes appear their natural inhuman shade of seafoam green.

HEPHAESTUS: Hugh Jackman. If Katherine Heigl can be cast as Malin Akerman’s plain sister, I can cast Hugh Effin’ Wolverine Jackman as Josh Holloway’s plain brother.

You want to see him at the forge. Even if you’re a straight man. Even if you’re a Kinsey 6 lesbian.

DIONYSUS: Ian Somerhalder, currently playing Damon on The Vampire Diaries. I have a theory that, if he cross-dressed, he’d look just like Cobie Smulders.

Dionysus has barely made an appearance in Thalia’s Musings so far, but he’ll have a bigger role in Volume 3.

HERMES: Matt Bomer, currently starring as Neil Caffrey on White Collar, but he was stupid Bryce Larkin who ruined Chuck‘s life first.

Doesn’t he look perfect surrounded by clouds?

APOLLO: The beautiful Jesse Spencer, as you may remember from this earlier post.

ARTEMIS: And as his twin sister, supermodel Gisele Bundchen.

I’ve seen pictures of Jesse and Gisele in which they seriously look like they could be twins. Unfortunately, I couldn’t find any such combination that would remain in my catalog for more than an hour.

ATHENA: Liv Tyler, forever known as Arwen from the Lord of the Rings trilogy, unless she funds my movie and takes the part of Athena already.

Tall? Check. Dark hair? Check. Grey eyes? Check. Can play a femme warrior maiden? Check. Could believably challenge Charlize Theron and Christina Hendricks to a beauty contest? Check, check, and check.

Want to find out who could believably make her jealous as Callisto? Keep watching!