I totally didn’t mean to take the summer off from blogging. Life got busy, and when I did have time to write, I picked novel-drafting over blogging. But, the comedy gods have summoned me back to my blog with a cheesy TV movie about a cheesy TV show from my childhood.

I’ll be doing a “first impressions” style post like the one I did on Jem and the Holograms. Unlike with Jem, I am quite familiar with Full House. I watched it regularly back when the TGIF lineup was a new thing. I was young enough then (the same age as Stephanie Tanner) to find it legitimately entertaining. Nearly twenty years later, I binge-watched the whole series on TV Land while I was sick in bed. It brought back happy memories and gave me a lot of good laughs (at what my grade-school self had found legitimately entertaining). Today, I find myself looking forward to the Netflix release of Fuller House, half because I hope it’ll have as much unintentional comedy as its predecessor, and half because I’m sincerely looking forward to the nostalgia of predictability, the milkman, the paperboy, and evening TV.

In the meantime, my thoughts on this unauthorized portrayal of my old familiar friends is waiting just around the bend. 

We open on The Diaper Scene, in which “baby” Michelle is clearly at least 3 years old.

And now we flash back to a Bob Saget standup routine to show us how raunchy Bob Saget was – toned down for basic cable, of course. And there’s Dave Coulier, who apparently is Joey Gladstone in real life.

Once upon a time, John Stamos was Chachi.

The scene in which Bob Saget finds out his wife is pregnant seems oddly Full House-ish. He keeps saying he’s too edgy for mainstream, but this feels like the definition of an informed ability. I have yet to see anything particularly edgy, let alone anything worthy of the UNAUTHORIZED! pitch.

In the boardroom pitch, the exec says they want to compete with The Cosby Show. Hm, wonder if Netflix will be making a sequel to that any time soon.

Edgy Bob Saget, henceforth known as EBS, wants to sing “Billy Jean” on a morning TV show. Soooo edgy. And now EBS is at the hospital making boob jokes about his wife who just gave birth. UNAUTHORIZED!

Candace Cameron’s audition was “only okay.” UNAUTHORIZED! Is that not what the casting directors were looking for? Nope, overacting was what they were looking for. That makes even more sense.

John Stamos suggests Uncle Adam should be Uncle Jesse. The legend is born.

EBS is too edgy for a script about babies, he says in front of his baby. #Irony

Not Bob Saget looks as much like Bob Saget as the guy they have playing Bob Saget.

EBS says what we’re all thinking – that men raising kids together in San Francisco sounds like men raising kids together in San Francisco. I would watch that show. Especially if it were still as sappy and family-friendly as Full House. As a tangent, I sort of wish at least one of the girls would turn out to be gay or bi in Fuller House. I know Candace won’t do it, so, Andrea? Jodie? Andrea and Jodie?

EBS maintains that he’s too cool for Full House in the midst of a sappy family scene where everyone learns lessons about hope, friendship, and dreams.

Ooo, Saget/Coulier/Stamos road trip to Vegas! UNAUTHORIZED! Why was this not an episode of the show? EBS refers to Stamos’ “you-know-what.” #SoEdgy

EBS mentions strippers in front of little Jodie Sweetin. UNAUTHORIZED! Srsly tho, is this meant to be a cautionary tale?

Huh, there’s this whole thing about the Olsens getting cast by accident and almost quitting in the first few episodes. Must look up if any of that is true.

Dave Coulier deliberately farted in a cast meeting. UNAUTHORIZED!

Aunt Becky!!! ❤ ❤ ❤ This actress looks nothing like Aunt Becky.

Mama Cameron turned Mama Olson into a stage mom. UNAUTHORIZED!

The scene where Andrea tells Candace she’s a series regular and Jodie looks on wistfully from the sideline could not look more like a Full House scene.

EBS is going to “try [his] best anyway” to hate the too-cute-to-hate Olsen Twins for being the most popular actors on the show. UNAUTHORIZED!

EBS is made host of America’s Funniest Videos. Children, when I was your age, we didn’t have YouTube. We had to mail video cassettes by actual mail to a TV studio and hope someone aired it on network TV, and that we didn’t miss the episode it aired on.

Aww, little Jodie is jammin’ with Jesse and the Rippers. And the whole cast and their moms are joining them. UNAUTHORIZED!

Dave Coulier got engaged to someone I’ve never heard of. Are we skipping over his relationship with Alanis Morissette? Man, Alanis on Full House. That would’ve been awesome.

Candace gets Lori’s advice on kissing a boy for the first time. Does this mean Lori actually was Aunt Becky? Does this mean Aunt Becky was real?

Dating Paula Abdul was “great,” according to John Stamos (UNAUTHORIZED!). Good to know.

In a scene totally not out of Full House, John Stamos’ dad tells him he needs to grow up and get serious if he wants more out of life.

EBS makes sexy poses with a mannequin on the Tanners’ couch for five seconds before the camera cuts away. UNAUTHORIZED!

A stage hand herds the child actresses away from EBS while he uncomfortably chats up and fondles the mannequin. UNAUTHORIZED!

A heartwarming scene in which John comforts Candace about teen magazine gossip and encourages her to follow her brother’s advice about God and religion if that’s what works for her. UNAUTHORIZED! And totally not a scene out of Full House.

EBS and John comfort Dave after his sister dies and his wife leaves him. The twins show up and be adorable and give hugs. Dave says “Wouldn’t it be great if real life was like Full House?” This UNAUTHORIZED! movie continues to come pretty close.

Teenage Candace is flirting with a boy at school who looks just like Viper. And now she hears mean girls talking about how she’s stuck up and not even that pretty. They are wrong. Candace, you seem like a really sweet person, so I hope it doesn’t bother you that you were this little 90s girl’s crush.

The three guys are having a whipped cream fight backstage. UNAUTHORIZED! Are they trying to push that coming-out storyline EBS was joking about in the beginning?

The Olsen twins must’ve gotten their fashion-forward sensibility from their mom. She was dressing like 2015 way back in the early 90s.

Aww, even though Jodie’s getting a fake middle child complex, she still invited the twins to her sleepover. UNAUTHORIZED!

I can’t make any jokes about the scene with Bob Saget’s sister’s funeral. But if they’re trying to establish this as a “REAL LIFE WAS NOT FULL HOUSE – UNAUTHORIZED!” moment, it’s a fail. The show, after all, was about a guy with two little girls and a baby whose high school sweetheart had just been killed by a drunk driver.

The producer announces he’s leaving, and he’s surrounded by hugs. UNAUTHORIZED! #RealLifeIsNotFullHouse

John Stamos meets a blonde model named Rebecca Romijn. This actress looks as much like Rebecca Romijn as Lori Loughlin’s actress looks like Lori Loughlin.

And now Lori’s getting divorced, bringing the total number of marriages to survive Full House to zero. Okay, that genuinely sucks. But still no scandal worthy of the UNAUTHORIZED! label.

Each set of fake Olsen twins looks even less like the Olsens than the last.

And the prize for Actor Who Looks Least Like The Person They’re Playing goes to…………..Fake Steve!

Dave introduces Candace to a hockey player named Val Bure. Candace Cameron Bure’s last name is Bure. I wonder if that’s a coincidence.

It’s not! \o/

Aww, we’re ending the movie with Candace’s wedding. I’m disappointed that we don’t get to see Fake Kirk Cameron. I feel like there should be some Fireproof jokes here, but even though I strongly disagree with the Cameron clan on gender issues, I respect the fact that they’ve apparently maintained solid relationships. I hope present-day Candace and her family are as happy as they seem to be. And I hope Fuller House ends up being a positive thing for her, Jodie, and Andrea. Dear God, I’m getting sappy. It’s a curse! Even in UNAUTHORIZED! TV movie form, Full House has tranquilized my snark! This level of saccharine sentimentality is…is…

UNAUTHORIZED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!