That glorious season is upon us (in the US, anyway). The time when people officially announce that they will be running for president in a year that is not this year. So, without further ado, it is with proud humility that I share with you the glorious purpose with which I am burdened.
I am running for President in 2020.
Why 2020? Because the President of the United States has to be at least 35 years old, and by November 2016, I will only be 34. Plus, this gives me plenty of time to start building my PAC. So far it’s up to $5.28, and I might use that to buy paper towels instead.
I suppose you’ll want to know paltry details like what party I’m running for. It’s a lesser-known third party called Thalia’s Representatives Of Liberty and Lulz, more commonly referred to by its acronym, the TROLL party.
My platform will be platform shoes. They’re coming back in style. Skechers and Doc Martens are both being considered as campaign sponsors.
I will participate in any televised debate that does not actively bar me from the stage. My debating tactics may or may not consist entirely of repeating, “u mad bro? u mad?” to my opponents. Depending on how well the PAC comes through, a Trollface mask made of poster board and a paint stirrer may be involved.
However, given that the lamestream media is a puppet of the two-party lameocracy, it is likely that my campaign will be limited to internet outlets such as YouTube, Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, Instagram, Pinterest, and this humble blog. Follow me on all of the above for more updates on my valiant write-in campaign.
See you at the polls! Write-in the TROLLs! Do it for teh lulz!