Dear Persephone…

So, I guess you and Hades have been having a good year, huh? That’s awesome. You two are, like, my favorite couple in the Pantheon, and I’m really glad things are going well for you. Listen, I hate to be that supplicant, but with all due glory, honor, and reverence, your awesome Iron Queenness…

Your mom misses you. Like, really, REALLY misses you. PLEASE come home already? PLEASE? PLEASE? PRETTY PRETTY PLEASE WITH ANYTHING BUT A GODDAMN WINTER MIX ON TOP?

A polar vortex? Seriously, what in Tartarus? A polar friggin’ vortex! Your mom has some serious issues. Think you can come back for a few months and talk some sense into her? I’m sure not going to try it. The woman already sent a polar friggin’ vortex. That’s why I’m talking to you in the first place.

Yeah, I tried Apollo. He said if I wanted more sun, maybe I should try not writing him as a naive, gullible idiot. I showed him my latest manuscript and pointed out that he’s getting more character development just like everyone else, and that I might finish Volume Three a little faster if I were getting more sun. Then he was all like, “Volume Three? You mean there’s a Volume Two?” And that was the end of that.

Yeah, I tried Aphrodite, too. I told her that, the longer it stays cold, the later the pool opens, and the shorter swimwear season is. She said she’s fine with the cold weather because people have nothing better to do than stay inside and, uh, warm each other up, and that half the people in bikinis don’t need to be wearing them anyway. Bitch.

Okay, fine, I tried the fervent beseeching route. Time for a different approach. We, the inhabitants of Earth, will continue to record and upload covers of “Let It Go” until we can no longer look out our windows and observe that “Snow glows white on the mountain tonight, not a footprint to be seen…” Let the storm rage on! This song never bothered me anyway.